I don’t know how long I lay on the divan. My brain was fried. I am covered in Luis’s semen. I’ve just had the best orgasm of my life. My hormones are in overdrive, which was totally new. This is just Monday! What was Friday going to be like? Who was I going to be on Friday? Who was I now? Not shy, hidden Rebbecca. That’s for sure. “Nothing wrong with you, girl!” Hi, Muse.
On top of it all, I’m attracted to someone. Not someone shy and withdrawn like the old me. Not like the perfect characters in my dreams. Instead, I’m falling for a mountain. Kind and gentle, yes. Mountain – yes! Huge in every dimension. Okay, shut up hormones. That thing – okay: penis, cock, dong… Junior. Junior would split me in half! Yet his touch, his tongue. Divine.
Here I am. Miss Invisible. Laying naked in Art with semen, okay – cum, drying on me. There because of an activity suggested by my teacher. With the full participation of the class, at least it seemed it. And me? Instead of feeling abused or debased, I’d had a small orgasm when the first stream hit me. Or, it could have been another after shock from the mammoth one earlier.
Oh, god! I’m openly naked in school. I also hadn’t really thought about it in a couple of hours. Not since the beginning of PE! I posed without noticing I was nude. Damn, some of those sketches are hot! I wonder who the girl is in them, though. Certainly not me!
“Good night, Rebbecca. Thank you for posing. You and Luis did a wonderful job.”
“You’re welcome, Ms. Rotella. Believe it or not, I enjoyed it!”
“I know, dear. He’s a keeper, you know. See you tomorrow.”
I managed to get my legs under me and wander over to my easel. I removed the painting in it and loaded a new canvas. From memory, I sketched out a new scene. It was forever burned in my mind. As I began to mix the paints on my palette, I went into my zone. Only my muse and I are allowed in that space. The paint flowed onto the canvas. Only once or twice did the image in my mind need to change to make the two dimensional canvas work. Soon, the canvas was nearly filled. I’d finish the background and the details later.
“Oh my god, Bec, that’s intense!” I was so into my zone that I didn’t hear Jason come in. I’m so used to being interrupted that it no longer startled me, it’s more like a doorbell or phone ringing.
“Hi, Jason.” I know I sounded distant. The pain from the morning coming back.
“Bec, I want to apologize to you.” I looked at him in the eyes. “When Luis was called, we were all making fun of him and I didn’t hear your name being called. We were making fun of him, not you.” He sounded and looked saddened by the error.
“Thanks, Jase. I guess I was so shocked about being in the program I was being overly sensitive.”
“How’s the Program going so far?”
“About like you’d think. I’m generally red head-to-toe walking down the hall. Yet, I’ve been in here for four hours and have only thought about being naked once, briefly.”
“Sis, I hate to say this, but you look really good without clothes. If you weren’t my sister…” He looked away blushing.
“Thanks, Jase. My ego needs to hear it. I have to admit, something woke up in me today. I’m not only not embarrassed about walking around nude, I’m kinda scared it’s turning me on.”
“Bec, I’d have a problem all day if I were doing it!” Jason laughed.
“I understand.” I chuckled. “Luis has been ‘leading’ the way to classes!” I couldn’t help it. I broke up laughing. Jase could help not laughing.
“Yeah, that’s… a big… problem for him!” Jason said, gasping between howls. I was laughing so hard my side started hurting.
When we finally calmed down, I took his hand and looked him in the eyes. “You know I’m a virgin, right?” He nodded. “I don’t want to be by the end of the week.”
“Your decision, sis. Have fun, but be safe. Okay? One thing, though, I’ll take apart anyone that hurts you.”
“I’d try. But he told me that should he mess up and hurt you, he wouldn’t stop me.” He looked me deep in the eyes and at the painting. “You falling for him?”
“I think so.”
“I think he’s got it for you to.”
“God, Junior scares hell out of me.” He looked at me questioning. I ended up telling him the Susan story and the lunch conversation. Even the posing and what we did after.
“He’ll be here in a few minutes. They’re moving all his stuff over to the Girls Locker room for the week. He won’t come until I give him the word. He wanted to give us time to talk.” He got real serious. “Bec, I’ve got nothing but respect for Luis. With his size, he could be a bully and an asshole. He’s anything but. He’s a natural leader. The whole team looks up to him and Mike Holloway. And they run the team on a tight leash. No bullshit, no cheap shots. Honor and respect at all times.” He paused for a minute, searching. “I don’t know what I’m trying to say.”
“Jase, I think I understand. You care for both of us in different ways.” He nodded. “Just be yourself to each of us, okay?”
He smiled, bent down and gave me a quick kiss on the forehead. “I’d better run. Your boyfriend must be waiting outside by now!” He chuckled as he left. BOYFRIEND? WHAT! “I’ll let mom and dad know you’re going to be late.”
Luis walked in to my deer-in-the-headlights look as I tried to process “boyfriend” then “late.”
“Becca, are you okay?” Luis had a scared look. I took his hands, paws, and just couldn’t help laughing and dancing around.
“I think I missed something…”
“Jason just called you my boyfriend.” Still dancing!
“I’d like to be.” When I jumped up on him and wrapped my hands around his neck, I swear I moved the mountain! When I tried to wrap my legs around his waist, lets just say I need more leg. He put an arm around me and one under me to take my weight. I gave him the deepest, wettest kiss I could. When he recovered and kissed back I melted into him.
As we explored each others mouths and our tongues cavorted, I could feel his heart through my boobs. I could feel the slight changes in his muscles. All that power and strength. Yet his kiss was tender and sweet. The touch of his arms was warm, welcoming, gentle.
We slowly broke the kiss. During the mutual shower of after kisses I managed to whisper, “I’d… like… to be… your… girlfriend.” He took charge of the next kiss. Given our position, I’m sure Junior was getting a “Becca” shower! I shivered at the thought of that in me.
“Are you okay, Becca?” He was looking deep into my eyes. God, I could see his soul. I’m positive he could see mine.
“I’m a virgin and Junior…”
“Becca, we don’t need to do that.”
“But, I want to.” I realized I did, I really, really did. “Not right now, but soon.”
“Dear, when you’re really ready, we’ll do our best, okay?”
“Yes.” We melted into another kiss. God, I could get addicted to kissing him. Then something hit me, what would it be like kissing someone else while nude? The same? Better? Worse? Was it hormones or something more?
“Hmmm?” As I snuggled against his chest. Warm. Happy. Curious. Excited. Dripping. Content. Did I say happy?
“What just went through your mind?”
“Honesty, always, between us?”
“Always. No matter what.”
“I was loving being lost in your kiss. Then it hit me that you’re the first boy I’ve ever kissed nude. You’re like the third or fourth boy I’ve ever kissed. I had questions…”
“Yes.” I tensed some.
“It’s okay, Becca. It would be strange if you weren’t curious.”
“But, we just decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend.”
“We did. That doesn’t mean I own you. Just the opposite. It means we’re partners in exploration. If that’s something you need to explore, you should. This week is all about exploration. Even after this week it’s okay. Just be honest with me. You don’t need to hide anything.”
At first I was relieved. I could experiment. Then a little voice in my head started telling me he was just looking for an excuse to play around on me. I got scared. Then it kept on. I got mad. I actually got mad enough to hit him in the chest. Damn, he’s solid. That hurt me! “You’re just saying that so you can do what you want!”
“Becca, look me in the eyes.” His voice was soft and kind. I did and saw the gentleness of his soul. “This is what I believe. Jealousy is fear on steroids. It’s a person’s insecurities pointed outwards. I don’t do fear or feel my insecurities are someone else’s fault. If you’re honest with me, I’m fine. That’s how I am and how I feel. You’re not used to my world, so I’m willing to accept limits, up to a point. That point is asking me to hurt others or myself. Or ask me to live too long in your fears.”
I held his eyes, letting his words into me. “I’m scared.”
“You should be.” I raised my eyebrows. “Oh, yeah. Scared means you’re facing something new. Just like I’m scared to be naked in school. I’m scared about facing East on Friday. I’m scared about you and I.” I really raised my eyebrows. “It’s new, it’s different. It may not work out. I’m having to go inside and see what I have to give. Scared is facing something new or dangerous. Fear is giving into a story in your head.” That hit me. I really didn’t know much about this Mountain, but I wanted to find out.
“Luis?” His eyebrows raised. “Jason’s already told my parents I’m going to be late tonight. I’d like four things right now. First, you be late with me.”
My mountain just walked us over to his bag, crouched, pulled out his cell phone, and punched a button. “Hi, Mama… I’m fine… I, she told you? Yeah, it’s cool… I’m gonna be late, okay?… Love you, too!” He hung up. “No problem. What are the other three?”
“I want to continue this conversation and work on a painting that I need you to pose for.”
“I’ll ask later, okay? Right now, I need my easel closer to the divan or the divan closer to my easel. I don’t want you to see what I’m painting yet, okay?”
“Be easier to move the divan, I think.” He gently set me down and with the ease of me picking up a brush, he lifted the divan and brought it over in front the easel. I directed where to put it and then posed him and went behind my easel.
“Luis, I zone when I paint, so forgive me if I miss something you say. I want to understand you and you to understand me. What you said about being scared and fear really hit me. That’s me. I’m scared and I’m fearful. When you were telling me to explore the voices started.” I started working. Filling in the details like the shape of his muscles and how they caught the light.
“My Dad introduced me to meditation and T’ai Ch’i Chuan when I was young. I guess that’s where I come from. I’m from an Italian Catholic family. I could have been raised with all that fear and guilt. Instead, my parents got over it and never pushed it on us. Instead they taught Margie and I to live in compassion and understand the fine line between being fearful and scared.”
“Hold your right shoulder up, just a bit more. Perfect. Okay, what do you mean? How do you tell the difference?”
“I sort of know how to explain it. The body feels both the same way. Get too close to a ledge and you will have a physical reaction. Your body doesn’t want to be near the ledge and fall. A reaction to being scared is to back away. Yet, a person with fear of heights starts living the story in their head and becomes irrational.” I stopped painting and gave him a confused look. “Okay, on Friday, my first play against East. I’ll be scared. That’s normal. I haven’t played these guys. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m going to get hit and hit. I might get hurt. If I weren’t scared I’d be insane. If I were fearful, I’d begin to question my abilities and talents. I’d get so wrapped up in those stories that I wouldn’t play well because my mind would be in the stories, not on playing the game.”
“Turn your head to the left. Hmm… Now, twist your waist the same way, just a bit. That’s it. Thanks. Back to fear. How do you deal with the stories?”
He chuckled. “Sometimes, not well!” I laughed with him. “Meditation and T’ai Ch’i is how I’ve learned. That and football.”
“I’ve heard of T’ai Ch’i but I don’t really know what it is.”
“I can tell you know and show you later. It’s an old Chinese martial art that is founded on emptying the mind and practicing in slow motion. The practice forms look like a really strange slow dance. Yet, you are training your body to move in combat while teaching your mind to stay out of the way. It’s call a soft art since it relies more on focusing and manipulating energy than about hitting and striking. Those are the words. They don’t mean much until you see and experience it.”
“Okay. You can show me later. I’ll be finished with this in just a minute.”
“Back to stories.”
“What meditation does is teach you to quiet the mind while increasing awareness. When you’ve done it for a while, the stories just go away. In India, they call it calming the monkey mind.” I gave a questioning shrug. “Think of a cage of monkeys that are excited. Chattering. Running around. Getting each other excited. Meditation is quieting them. When you do that, you connect in a whole new way to the universe.”
“Will you teach me?”
“Sure. Yet, I think you already have some of the tools.”
“When you paint, are there voices in your head?”
“Only my Muse.”
“Does the muse help you or question everything you are doing?”
“Ah, helps. Drives me, is more like it.”
“Maybe the muse is the real you.”
“You might be right. She really likes you, bunches.” I blew him a kiss. “That’s from me and her.”
“Well, if she’s the one that made you visible today then I really like her too!” He blew me two kisses. “One for each of you!”
“Back to stories, fear, and exploration. Help me understand. I hear myself saying that if I have a boyfriend, he’s the only one I can kiss and mess around with. Yet, my body wants to experience new things. My heart tells me we are connecting. It all seems to conflict.”
“Becca, the only thing that conflicts is the story about your boyfriend. Think about this. You body wants to experience and explore. Your heart is happy. Is exploring going to hurt your heart? No. Because one of two things will happen. While you’re exploring and gaining experience either your heart stays happy with the connection you have or it finds a better one. Either way, you’re better off.”
“What about you?”
“I am too. If I’m not your soulmate, best find out early. My mom tells me something all the time that might help. She says you can love many people. The more people you love, the more people you can love. But, being In Love is rare and precious. She also says that good sex with a stranger is still good sex. With someone you love, it’s better. When you’re in love, it’s beyond anything else.”
“I wish I were that close to my mom so we could talk like that.”
“Do you let her get close to you or are your stories in the way?”
Damn. I felt like I had run into a brick wall. Pull out club and begin to beat myself. I dropped my brush and buried my head in my hands. I wanted to be invisible again. Damn him. Damn this Program. What the hell was wrong with the way I was? I was happy! What is happening to me! OH, FUCK!
Suddenly, but gently, two massive arms swept me up and cuddled me into a massive chest. He moved and then sat and snuggled me tighter. My tears began and flowed down his chest. He was silent, just holding me. “He’s understanding and patient.” Thanks Muse. I’d rather have my suffering. “He’ll wait ’til you’re done.” I wanted to tell her to fuck off too. Yet.. Damn… It was simple. Honest. Pure. My stories were in my way. And did I have some. Seventeen years worth. Yet, they were just a house of cards. And they were tumbling down, like my tears. Release. Grief. Mourning. My Mountain was still there. Hard as he needed to be, yet soft where I needed him to be. God. Pain was flowing out with my tears. My Muse was quiet. Had she run away?
No, she hadn’t run away. The me that was the house of cards had gone. I didn’t need my Muse anymore, since she is me.
Oh Shit. Am I hiding in Luis? No. NO! He’s enabling. A partner? Oh shit. More rivers of tears.
“You just had an epiphany?” His voice soft. The kiss on top of my head gentle, but electric.
“Damn this program. Damn Jason. Damn you.” There was no anger in my voice. Just saddness. “My carefully constructed house of card’s of a life just tumbled down. I’m lost and scared.”
“Welcome to the real world!” It took me a couple of seconds to process this. Yeah. Living in the world as it is, not in my house of cards as I want it to be. Yeah. My tears stopped. It took me a few minutes to collect myself. Was I going to miss my Muse? Why? She’s me! I really buried myself deep, didn’t I. But, I didn’t loose myself.
I pushed away from My Mountain’s chest just enough to put my arms around his neck. Looking him in the eyes, I came clean. “Thank you, My Mountain. A dam broke inside me. I’ve been using my stories to hide myself, to not live in the world. The voice I call my Muse, that’s the me I’ve been hiding. And, now… Now, I’m scared. Not fearful. Just scared.” Before he could answer, I pulled his head down. I must be strong, it took me no effort! Then I gave him what I hoped would be a toe curler of a kiss. I know it was for me! Junior’s appearance was a pretty good indicator I was doing something right! Damn, I’ve never even touched him.
When we broke, I softly put my hands on the sides of his face and held his eyes with mine. “Let me finish the painting. Then I’ll get to request number four. Then, I’d like to ask one more favor. Trust me?”
“You’re okay now?”
“Beyond okay, I’m me now.”
“Then let’s get back to painting. The sooner you finish, the sooner these mysteries will be revealed to me!”
I gave him a quick kiss and we disengaged. I now know where to go when I want to be “in my cave.” He’s chest is wonderful! Us introverts, we need our caves to recharge. How tiring it is being around crowds. My Mountain was not stressful like that. After all, he was My Mountain! Nice caves. Plus, a Mountain that can really kiss!
I put him back in his pose. Looked at him and the canvas and decided that it only needed a couple of details.
“Becca, what just happened?”
“I’ll tell you all about it later. I’m dealing with your face at the moment and need you to hold still.” He froze his face in a bad, fake grimace. I roared. “Nice. Now, without moving your body, unfreeze your face. Think about… eating my pussy. Yeah, I like that look!” I got busy. Hormones? Yes! Lust? Yes! Love? Yes. In love? Think so.
I worked on the last of the details. I wanted to wake up to this painting! This is the first painting I’ve ever done just for me.
“Done. Thank you, Luis. Come look at it, please?”