Luis went back to his desk and came back to the seating area with a pad of paper, pen, and the maps, as he called them.
I went back to Pip and Dickens and my notes on the rise and fall of ego.
Before I got lost in the argument I was building, it hit me. Ego. Stories. Expectations come from ego. They are nothing more than stories we carry around in ourselves. They are the house of cards. It made sense to me now. I GOT IT! And I got what Luis had been saying earlier about jealousy and fear. All stories within. Stories that have nothing to do with loving someone but trying to enforce your view of them on them.
I looked over at Luis. He’d write, look at the maps, and then write some more. My Mountain is also a student. A serious one at that.
His books span so many topics. Heavy on math, physics, and astronomy. Balanced with biographies of world and thought leaders. Religious studies. Tons of Eastern Philosophy with a smattering of Western. A huge collection of Robert Heinlein, Larry Niven, and Arthur C. Clark. Boys. Plus Cussler, Lescroart, Clancy, and Grisham. Again, Boys. Then the classics. Well read but well cared for. From Plato to Dickens. YES!
Stacks of magazines. Physics journals in English and German. Astronomy rags. Scientific Americans with tons of sticky notes in them. Plus some academic journals I didn’t recognize. What was CERN? Then stacks of stapled papers. It was all organized and neat, yet well used.
The bed was neat and made with no clothes scattered about. Did he do it? Or his mom?
His mom, WOW! I really connected with her. A kindred spirit and willing co-conspirator! My Mountain is in real trouble.
Back to Pip. Then I remembered a book I had seen on the bookshelf. Freud’s The Ego and the Id. It fit with my thesis. Luis smiled at me as I walked back. I couldn’t resist. I walked over to his chair. I bent and gave him a quick kiss and Junior a good squeeze – OMG, it felt really neat soft! Then turned, bent, and shook my ass at him. HE GAVE ME A SPANK!
“Tease me, will you!”
“Ah, I’ve got you pegged. He’s gonna help me.” I showed him the book. He roared.
“He got part of the way there then fell into over analyzing!”
“I agree. But I can still use him for my essay. It just hit me a minute ago. Id. Ego. Stories. Freud. Dickens. Great Expectations. Pip. Me. Today. Thank you!” I gave him another kiss. As I pulled back, I searched his face and watched for his reaction. “I’m still scared.”
“I am every day. You heard what Dr. C. said today?” Forget his reaction, what did he just say?
“Sort of. Honestly, I was cloaked and withdrawn and in my house of cards.”
“He chose those of us he knew had conquered fear in specific circumstances. Then had us tell how we overcame it.”
What? I’d spent the time looking at my hands, talking to my Muse. What conversation about fear? Why was I hiding? All I’d done is gotten boobs before anyone else. Now, they weren’t the largest, nor the smallest. Yet, I’d been different. I didn’t choose to change. I just had. Why did all the others have to be so mean? Of course I tried to hide! But… WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME? As I thought about the comments of the girls, the leers of the boys, my eyes began to water. “Freak!” “Weird!” “Gross!” “Oh, sweet!” “What knockers!” I started to convulse and the rain fell from my eyes. What did I do wrong?
Two massive arms softly pulled me into my cave. Through the voices of the past in my head I heard his heart. Strong. Slow. Steady.
“I wish I’d been there,” I finally croaked out. My chest tightened and I sobbed. Still, his heart was there. His arms… Stupid, idiotic me! Why did he care? What did he want from me? Sex? Just his pleasure?
I just wanted to go back into hiding. I miss my Muse!
“Becca?” I moved my head in his chest. “It’s okay.”
“Well, let me see. Someone just nuked the world as you knew it. Right?” I sort of nodded my head. “And the foundation you had is gone, right?” Another nod. His heart is still strong, slow, comfortable. “You’re scared. Freaked?”
“WHAT! Are you out of your mind?” I hit him. Note to self: don’t hit brick walls.
“Perfect. Yes. Because now you get a fresh start. Nothing to undo and rebuild.”
“But, I don’t want to be scared.”
“Nobody does. Everyone has to deal with it because we all are. Winners just do it better.”
“Is that why you’re a winner?” Wow! Was my voice that sarcastic?
“One of them. The key, actually.” How could he be so calm and patient with me after that?
I took a deep breath. “How?”
“Being scared gives me the energy to do those things I need to do but don’t want to.”
“Like what?” I noticed the tears were gone. The rhythm beating in his chest hadn’t changed.
“Getting up at half past too early in the morning and running when it’s freezing outside and snowing. The energy to spend an extra hour in the weight room when I’m hurting. To go into the offensive line one more time when I’m so tired I can hardly stand.”
“How?” I hope he understood. I really didn’t feel like talking. Just listening and feeling his heart made it all okay and easier to understand.
“I clear my mind of the stories that say I can’t. When one pops up, I focus on doing instead of listening. I use the energy to focus. Same as you already know how to do.”
“What? I don’t know what to do!”
“How about when you paint? Any voices saying you can’t?”
What the hell! “No.”
“Figured. I’ve seen you when you paint. You are focused. In one area of your life, you are already very successful and a winner.”
“Yeah, but that’s different…” Huh?
“I’m not scared.” Yeah, my Muse is with me then.
“I’ll bet you a kiss that at some level you are. You’re just not aware of it.”
“It’s a bet.” Easy bet. I win, I win. I lose, I win.
“How do you feel when you show someone a painting?”
“Okay. Scared. But, that’s after I’ve painted it.”
“So, when you paint, it’s never to give or show someone?”
“Yeah, but… But…” Asshole. He’s worse than my muse!
“Give me the kiss. I won!”
“Bastard!” I grabbed his ears and planted a big, wet, juicy smack on his lips. I knew he was right. I knew what he was saying was right. It’s nice listening to your heart instead of all those stories. Fuck the “Monkey Mind.” I melted into the kiss. A lovely way to empty the mind!
“Will you teach me?” I whispered when we broke the kiss.
“You already know what you need to know. Now it’s about finding the practices that will help you remember and build on it.” Practices? What, like piano lessons?
“What works for you?”
“In general, meditation. T’ai Ch’i is all about teaching the body without the mind getting in the way. I also empty my mind when I listen to music, lift weights, mow the lawn, wash a car, kiss you…” That earned him another one. I liked this practice!
“What can I do?”
“The path I know starts with learning to breathe right and builds from there. I know you exercise. I can feel it in your body. What do you do?”
“Explains why you’re so limber. Yum!”
“Dirty Old Man.”
“But, I’m too young!”
“But I’m your pervert.” That got him another kiss. Yummy! I like this reward system!
“Maybe I can teach you some Yoga and you can teach me T’ai Ch’i?” He nodded. “You were going to show me some of it.”
“Okay, but just the opening. It wakes me up to much to do the whole form this late. After all, I’m a growing boy and need my sleep!”
“If you grow much more,” I said, grabbing Junior, “this will come out my throat when you fuck me.” Wow. Did I just do and say that? Yep. And it felt right. Plus, he laughed with me.
“Throat job while fucking. Now there’s a concept!” I rolled out of his lap laughing while he collapsed. Okay, I snorted again. Really bad, too. Two or three times while imagining Junior in my pussy and coming out of my mouth and trying to say I didn’t like it. “Ergh… Aumph.. Agh… That’s what I’d sound like!” I snorted again. That got him tickling me. Me tickling him. No pee this time. But we did end up in one hell of a kiss with him over me and between my spread legs. I almost grabbed Junior and finished what we’d started earlier today. No. I still wanted candles and the bed and soft music and…
We broke the kiss at the same time. Uncanny. No, perfect. How easy it would have been to just slip Junior in given our position. Yet, I couldn’t and I wouldn’t. She wanted to wait. Honor and respect. Yep, that’s me. I gotta keep telling myself that!
“I hope you don’t mind. I need to get going. I want to take Carmella up on her offer, just not tonight. Okay?”
“Love, whatever your heart desires. I will use all the powers of my Mountain Kingdom to satisfy my Queen.” Okay, I’d been asking for silver tongue to come out all day. Wait! No, that was truly from my heart.
She looked at me with fire in her eyes and a misting of joy. She tried to talk. When that failed, I got another Becca kiss.
“Take me home?”
“It won’t be a bother?”
“For another few minutes with you?” That got me another kiss. She started packing up her stuff. “Here, take Freud with you if it will help.” I handed her the book she’d taken off the shelf about 100 years ago.
“Thanks!” I was blessed with THAT smile. Damn. I needed to work on my legs. I can’t beat East with these rubber legs I keep getting around her.
Her bags packed and over my arm, we headed upstairs. My parents were in the living room listening to Bach’s Brandenburg Concerto Number 4. One of my all time favorites. The Berlin Philharmonic with von Karajan conducting. Powerful. They both had books in their laps, but were holding hands enjoying the music together.
Mama moved to turn the music down. I waved her off and just pulled Becca closer. She looked up with complete understanding. We snuggled while the passage played out. Mama hit the pause.
Before I could say anything, Becca was headed for the couch. “Thank you both for such a wonderful evening.” Mama and Papa were beaming and said appropriate things. I was wondering where this girl had come from. So comfortable making the first move. Nude. Don’t get me wrong, I loved it. I just hadn’t expected it!
Then she and Mama disappeared. I sat on the edge of the sofa. A bit shell shocked.
“Son. Feel like a 2-by-4 just hit you in the head?”
“Welcome to the club. Just enjoy the ride. Twenty, thirty years from now you’ll be giving your son the same advice. Trust me!”
“I do, Papa. This is just way new for me.”
“Better believe it.”
“You know what to do.”
“Yes, sir. I do. Funny thing. She wants me to teach her. Her ‘house of cards’, as she calls her stories, fell down today.”
“You’re lucky, son. It seems you’ve already got trust and honesty with each other. Combine that with being in love and you can’t lose.”
Before I could answer, Becca and Mama came back into the room. Arms around each other. Giggling. With grins the Cheshire Cat would have envied. What were they up to? My baby pictures? Telling the tale of Kindergarten when I peed my pants? Was Mama really going to give Becca the Santa Rosa recipe and not ME? What if today had all been a set up? I didn’t know Becca that well, although I’ve known of her since first grade. Did Mama know about my crush-from-afar in fifth grade? What if…? My father’s words replayed. I took a couple of really deep breaths and just let the story go. I stood. Grinning back. Just in love. Yep, in love.
On the drive to Becca’s house, no words were spoken. None were needed. We held hands. She wanted to listen to the Bach my parents were listening to. No problems.
I escorted my Queen to her castle.
“Tomorrow night, here. Dinner. You meet my family. Okay?” Before I could answer, she kissed me and played with Junior. I melted. I think I mumbled something about okay as she vanished behind the gates and the drawbridge rose for the night. “See you at school, sweetie!” As her words came to me, I drifted through my fog back to the car.
In a total daze and on rubber legs, I got home. Greeted the parents, went downstairs, and managed to get some work done before the bed became the center of my world.
What a day! Yeah, but it’s all good.
Okay, how many times in one day can I say ‘Oh My God!’ I’ve just walked in my front door. Luis’s kiss still on my lips. My plan with Carmella burning in my center. I’m still naked with a hat. No idea where the sash had gone. I needed a shower, sort of. I just lay against the front door collecting myself.
“Hi, sweetie.” My mom said coming up to me. Okay, she called me something she hasn’t since I was maybe 10 or so. What’s up with that? She took my hands and kissed my forehead. Motherly. Then it hit me. I was overdressed by one hat! I had forgotten about being naked? She pulled me into the Living Room.
My mom being naked was a big enough of a shock. My father was on the sofa, Jason in a chair. I was still overdressed!
Mom said, “We wanted to support you any way we could.”
Again, it hit me. My house of cards. Jason’s comments this morning about my parents. Here was my whole family supporting me. Damn, Damn, Damn. I might have said that out loud before my legs collapsed. Mom tried to hold me up. Jason was right there. My dad too. They got me to the sofa. The soft, supple leather was cool on my skin but warmed quickly.
It hit me. Without my cloak, I could see they were on my side. “I’m so sorry. I’ve shut you out of my life. Thank you Jason – and Luis – for that revelation. Thank the Program and Luis for me being here and not hiding.” I cried. Hard. Mom held me. Dad held me. Jason was in there somewhere. Whispered words of support and love drifted through my sobs and tears.
I remember being scared versus living in fear. I gathered myself. I turned my feelings into energy. At least for a moment. “Thank you all. For this. Today, I woke up. I have a boyfriend. A serious love. I’m finding my love for my parents.” The hugs got tighter. “And, now I’m the real me. Scared? Hell YES! Yet, I’m learning that’s okay. It’s what you do with it. I’ll need help.” I let go of the old me. I let myself feel the love and support of my family. My parents. Jason. I felt it in my heart.
“Mom?” I asked as the tears cleared.
“Can I be Becky again to you and Dad?”
Mom collapsed into me. “You always have been, Becky.”
“Becky,” my Dad said, “thank you. You will always be Becky, my little sweetheart.” He was crying on my shoulder. Tears of joy all around. I wrapped my arms around both of them.
“Daddy, I love you.” We all cried. Four nude people on the sofa crying.
I then remembered the rest of my request. “Mom, Dad. I invited My Moun… ah, Luis, to have dinner with us tomorrow night.” That’s all I could get out. Mom and Dad were ecstatic.
“Of course, dear!”
“Ah, well… I want to make it… special.”
“Of course.” Thanks Mom for understanding.
“I don’t know what to do. I want to help, but…”
“Becky, I’ll pick you up right after Art. We can make this happen. No problems.” We got teary-eyed together. I knew she was already planning. She knew I was too wiped out. Breakfast, we silently agreed looking each other in the eyes. When did that start?
I went up to my room and undressed. Okay, I took off my hat and shoes! I hung the painting of Luis where I could easily see it from the bed. Then I replayed the day and collapsed into the bed. My hands went right to my cunny… No, damnit! My pussy! My pussy and nipples. Yes! I thought of Luis as I stared at his face on the wall. And Junior.
When my orgasm hit, I didn’t care. I let it out. Hard and loud! The first time I think I have ever made noise masturbating. Spent, I sank into my bed and dreamed.